Weddings are a thing of joy and getting to watch your friends tie the knot is an honour. But when five couples step up to the altar in one six-month period, that honour comes with a steep price tag.
It’s not just the gift that will set you back: there’s your outfit, the hen’s or buck’s (or both), plus accommodation and travel costs if it’s a destination do. If you’re in the wedding party, the bill rises dramatically – especially for bridesmaids.
So with the weather warming up, and a three-year backlog of pandemic-delayed nuptials on the horizon, how can you financially survive the impending wedding season – without committing a scroogey faux pas?
Build a splurge fund
If you’re of a certain age, you might want to start squirrelling away a little money for the inevitable parade of vows to come.
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“We can’t predict when our friends are going to get engaged and then pick their wedding dates. But we know if we’re in that season of life,” says Victoria Devine, host of She’s on the Money podcast and author of a new book on investing.
She recommends building a “splurge fund” so you’re somewhat prepared for the wishing wells ahead. Like an emergency fund, but for fun things, it’s a reserve of money you only dip into when the occasion calls for it. Then, “when it comes to wedding season, you can actually go, you know what, I can afford [this].”
Skimp on yourself
The most obvious place to cut costs around a wedding, without offending anyone, is your outfit. To avoid dropping a few hundred dollars on a look for every new event, Devine recommends exploring dress and suit rentals, borrowing from friends, or just good old-fashioned outfit repeating.
“Buying dresses that we wear once – to me, that’s the biggest waste of money,” she says.
And if the big day is taking you out of town, don’t feel pressured to stay at the hotel suggested by the bride and groom. Zarife Hardy, director at the Australian School of Etiquette, says “if there’s a motel nearby, then take that option. It’s more about your presence than anything else.”
Present concerns
Gift giving, on the other hand, is a little more difficult to do on the cheap.
Today, most couples opt for a wishing well. Both Hardy and Sarah Lovell, a wedding planner from Sydney, say that the lowest you can go with a cash gift is $50. And that’s “if you’re on a mega-budget and single,” Lovell says.
View image in fullscreenWishing wells and honeymoon funds have become fairly standard at Australian weddings. Photograph: byrneck/Getty Images/iStockphoto
In Lovell’s experience, $100 is the standard minimum contribution per-person, and that something in the range of $300-500 is more appropriate if you’re a couple giving to immediate family.
If there’s no wishing well or gift registry, you’re able to get more frugal. Hardy thinks there’s nothing wrong with picking up “lovely plates or a vase that’s on sale – things that are lifelong for the home”. Even a nice crystal serving platter seized from Vinnies, given some TLC and lovingly wrapped up could do the job, as long as the tell-tale op-shop price tag is removed, Hardy says.
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Lovell adds that “group gifts are totally acceptable” and can be a good way to camouflage contributions on the lower end of the price spectrum.
But she cautions against picking out your own gift when the couple have directed guests towards a registry or wishing well – ignoring their wishes is a common “pet peeve”. Also on Lovell’s list of no-nos is regifting; wrapping up a Groupon voucher (yes, she’s seen it happen) or “giving no present at all”. You might think the newlyweds won’t notice, but “of course they do”.
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If you’re really pinching your pennies, it may be better to bypass whipping out your wallet altogether. Be thoughtful and “use your skills,” Lovell says. “It could be offering to help on the day by going to the flower markets in the morning, doing the playlist or handing out the program.”
Devine agrees: “There are so many gifts … that don’t require money.”
“Offer to pet sit for them while they’re on their honeymoon … it’s about the thought.”
Don’t let bridesmaiding send you broke
It is now fairly standard for bridesmaids to pay their own way through dress fittings, parties and even grooming on the day. That means the bridal party face the steepest wedding bills. But you can decline an invitation to be a bridesmaid, Lovell and Hardy agree.
“Obviously, the bride-to-be that’s asked you is a good friend. So if you are going through a financially tough time and you know that you can’t afford it, then be polite and fully honest,” Hardy says. “Let them know, ‘I’d love to do it but I just can’t afford it at the moment. But I’m going to be there [at the wedding] with all my love and support.’”
View image in fullscreenFor bridesmaids there may be some room for polite negotiation on dress cost, but the sooner you tell the bride, the better. Photograph: Monkey Business Images/Getty Images/Monkey Business
But if you committed to being a bridesmaid six months ago, and are now staring down the price tag of an $800 dress, it may be a choice between your bank balance and the bride’s feelings.
“If you’re that far in, then you do need to bite the bullet,” says Hardy. While she does think there is some room for polite negotiation on dress cost, keep in mind, “these discussions, from the bride’s perspective, are quite important to have from the beginning”.
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As for what not to do?
“I have seen a bridesmaid once continuously not turn up for fittings or decline each dress that was proposed,” Lovell says. “In the end she said she would wear whatever dress the bride wanted – but wouldn’t pay for it.”
Alternatively, there’s the nuclear option.
“I’ve also seen a bridesmaid uninvited to a wedding because she got so drunk at the engagement party that she got it on with the photographer – very openly on the dancefloor – and had a fight with the aunt of the bride over her antics.”
Decline destination dos
The most expensive weddings are the ones we have to travel for. Hardy says you “definitely can” decline a destination invite.
View image in fullscreenIf a destination wedding runs over multiple days, it is OK to attend only the main ceremony. Photograph: Thomas Barwick/Getty Images
Lovell, however, says that “if you declined a wedding, the bride and groom would expect a pretty good reason as to why”.
As an alternative to opting out entirely, she advocates for skipping “parts of the wedding process” – for instance the hen’s or buck’s night, which can often cost more than the big day. For multi-day destination wedding “festivals”, you can miss the lead up and just arrive for the ceremony, too.
And while decorum suggests the couple having a destination wedding “shouldn’t expect a gift”, Lovell says, they very well still might. Sorry about that.
And no, you don’t need to send a gift for every invitation
There is some good news for your bank balance: if you are declining an invitation, both Lovell and Hardy agree you don’t need to send a gift anyway.
“It’s not expected these days,” Hardy says. “But if you feel that it would be a nice thing to do, then by all means do it – even if it’s just a beautiful card just to send your best wishes.” Well, that’s something.
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